Engleberts in Missouri [miz-er-ree]

My house is really looking good these days. I haven’t gotten the “exquisitely dressed wife” part worked out yet but dinner has been made, the house clean, and the kids as sweet and clean smelling as I can get them. Today I got all my wash done- including all the blankets and pillows -and I polished off all the ironing and mending. Woo Hoo for me. All this housewifey stuff doesn’t leave much time for blogging though. Hmmm… I wonder if the answer to being the perfect housewife is an Internet Use policy like I used to have at work?

Tomorrow I plan to tackle the basement storage area. It’s really just a small storage closet but I’ve got it packed to the roof with stuff that I had planned to sell in a big yardsale that never quite came together. So, I’ll have to sort through what’s staying and the rest is going to Goodwill.

Yesterday was my baby’s birthday. Nine years old and not much of a baby anymore. We had our standard family birthday thing - dinner, presents, cake and ice cream. Vicki and Amber came over to help celebrate and my 2 new “daughters”, Jamie and Adree, came over too. We had homemade pizza - Violet’s favorite meal. Steve finally found a pizza crust recipe that comes real close to a Frank & Pat’s crust (the best in the world!) and I’ve gotten pretty good at making it. It’s a recipe that uses LARD (amazingly you can buy it at the grocery store) but not very much.

Violet declared it THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!! There was much shrieking and screaming for joy as she opened her presents. After spending a lot of time and effort finding what you think is a great gift, you kind of expect them to open it up and, I don’t know, break out into a brief musical number detailing their joy and gratitude. That rarely happens but last night was just like that - except you know without the song.

Now I just have to survive the Lazer tag party on Saturday. I’m utterly exhausted just thinking about getting through it. I still haven’t assembled the mandatory gift bags. I really hope it goes well. I’d hate to be known throughout Joplin as the mom who throws pathetic birthday parties.

First night of the Challenge Games at College Heights. Jon’s team wins all 3 of their matches.

More in the fascinating life of a woman trying to impersonate a 50’s housewife…

I cleaned out my refrigerator and freezer today. Funny how it didn’t look like Mother Hubbard’s cupboard before I got rid of the eggnog (leftover from Christmas), the wilted veggies and who-knows-what from the meat compartment. Also, all of those empty except for a dribble containers of OJ, Sunny-D and other juices kind of mask the emptiness. I also got rid of the half bottle of Three Lakes Winery Wisconsin Cranberry wine that has been lurking in there for a couple of weeks. The other day Crystal had passed on to me the secret of inner peace and I’m so glad I read it before dumping that wine down the drain! I’m feeling somewhat peaceful now.

Later tonight I plan to continue the excitement with a trip to the grocery store. Hopefully I’ll be able to complete the shopping without experiencing excruciating pain which is sure to ruin the little buzz I’ve got going. The other day while straightening the top shelf in our closet (I know! I get to do all the fun stuff!), I fell off the step stool and nearly broke my ankle. My shin is covered in bruises and my ankle is still swollen and has these lovely bruises, broken veins and a puncture wound that is conveniently placed right where every pair of shoes I own (save a pair of slippers) rubs. Ouch!

I have to remember to pick up a pair of rubber gloves while I’m at the grocery. Rubber gloves are useful and necessary tools to accomplish many household tasks. Without them my manicure is completely going to hell and that’s a huge no-no. Imagine what ragged nails and chipped polish are doing to Steve’s love for me!

When your husband comes home, greet him with a wonderful greeting. Imagine your husband coming home to a clean house, an exquisitely dressed wife, a dinner prepared with care, children clean and sweet smelling, a clean bedroom - what would this do to his love for you? Now imagine what the opposite does to him.

Note to self - put more wine on grocery list! After all, it’s not like the kids are home to see me.

I haven’t posted in a couple of days because I have been getting a computer chip implanted behind my left ear. You know the kind that turns you into the perfect wife, mother and housecleaner?

Apparently if you’re going to stay home and not work people expect you to get stuff done. In fact, the other night I was chastised by my husband who said “If you’re going to stay home, you need to get some things done.” He was specifically talking about 2 things he had asked me to do that I hadn’t gotten around to yet but I think he meant everything in general.

At first I was a little angry. Then I got my feelings hurt - I even squeezed out a tear or two. Then I thought about it for a while and had to admit that he was right. I haven’t been a very good housewife especially recently.

Back when I brought home my share of the bacon, I worked hard to be as much like Donna Reed as possible. Running myself ragged keeping the house as clean as possible. Juggling work, the house and kids wasn’t very easy. I was overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that needed to be done… laundry, cleaning, shopping, errands, school plays, sports activities, doctors and dentists. The to-do list was never ending.

When I finally got fed up with leading a double/triple life and quit my job, I think Steve believed that life at our house would miraculously turn into some kind of 50’s sitcom. It really hasn’t been much like that at all. In fact, some days (weeks? months?) it’s been as far from that as I could possibly be.

While I don’t want to be all Donna-like anymore I do need to come to terms with the fact that pretty much I am the daily maid and while there isn’t a whole lot of satisfaction to be gained from the perfectly clean house, it still needs to be done.

So, what does the modern day Stepford Wife look like? I did a little research and I can tell you it’s not going to be easy. First of all, I don’t look good with big hair and blonde doesn’t suit my complexion. But some of the other stuff I think I can manage.

Just a warning - this will require shopping. I don’t own any of those perky dresses or frilly aprons.

Alex had his 4-month well baby checkup today. He’s doing what babies seem to do best - growing. At today’s visit he weighed 16 pounds, was 27-1/2 inches long and had a head circumference of 44.

“44 inches?”

“44 whatever they measure heads in. He’s in the 95th percentile for head size.”

Putting aside the fact that I, even if only for an instant, believed that Alex’s head could be bigger around than Violet is tall, my grandson has a big head.

At first we thought Alex’s big head was because he was basically sucked out of his mother’s womb like a hair ball clogging a drain. If he had been born in the Victorian age, he probably would never have seen the light of day. Stuck in the birth canal with no way out. Thanks to the invention of the vacuum suction cup, he was hauled into the world virtually unscathed.

His doctor doesn’t seem concerned - believing no doubt that Alex will grow into his head size. The cranially well-endowed don’t have it easy. Lying on his stomach and holding up that noggin has been a challenge. Alex has some fierce neck muscles.

I envision a life filled with paper hats always doomed to tear, sunglasses that are ill-fitting, shopping at the Big Head store and being forced to wear 2 party hats. You can see that he comes by his big-headedness naturally…

On the plus side, Alex is helping to further the evolution of all human-kind. Scientists have have confirmed a link between head size and intelligence. The babies whose heads grew the biggest before age 1 had the highest IQ scores by the time they were school-aged. Eventually, the big-headed may take over the entire universe. Don’t those super-intelligent aliens always have gigantic heads?

Hopefully, he will grow into his head size before he starts school. If not, I imagine that most of Alex’s kindergarten drawings will look like this:

And if those less intelligent kids tease him too much, I’ll teach him how to kick their @sses using head-butts.