I have had a hate-hate relationship with my weight nearly my entire life. I’ve been thin and I’ve been … not thin.
Sometime during middle school at a sports physical, a pediatrician told my mother that I should maintain my weight as I entered puberty so that normal growth would put me at the ideal spot on the height/weight chart. I became convinced that I was fat and began a cycle of yo-yo dieting that was more harmful than helpful or heathful.
Throughout my high school years, I followed a variety of popular diets (do you remember the Scarsdale Diet?) that kept my weight relatively normal even though I always felt really fat. The mean popular girls on my
Drill Team did nothing to help my self-image. I still can’t believe that Angela L. ever had the nerve to comment on my weight - she should have taken a long look in a full length mirror!
During college, I replaced the growing up I did during high school with growing out. Through a complex combination of sitting, studying and snacking, I gained the “freshman 10″ for myself and my roommate during my first year at college. I lost that weight before joining the Army by following the Ice Tea and Tomato diet. Starvation is a remarkably effective weight loss method.
During my Army years, my weight remained pretty stable. Something about all that running allowed me to eat pretty much anything I wanted and still make my Army weigh-in. I even had 2 kids and stayed pretty thin. Too bad I hate running so much. The day I was discharged from the Army I swore I would never run another step and that’s one resolution I’ve been able to keep over the last 15 years.
On my wedding day I was a size 10. Still, someone commented to me on how nice it was
that I had strategically placed the children in the photos to disguise my weight. What?!? I was pregnant by the time the ink dried on my wedding license, but after Jonathan was born, I Deal-A-Mealed myself down to a size 8. Probably the thinnest I have ever been in my entire life - 5′7″ and 125 pounds. Amazingly, I was in the best shape of my life during my Army years and yet I often felt fat and unattractive.
After leaving the Army (and running) behind, it wasn’t so easy to keep my weight down. The women in my family will tell you how we are doomed to have the “Smith” hips. It is true that genetics seem to predispose us all to a more curvy shape. Still, I’m way more curvy than I’d like to be these days.
I wish that I could go back in time, knowing that I looked better than I felt, and enjoy those days instead of spending them criticizing myself in the mirror. But, those days are gone. Now I am much older and I know that I will never have that body back. I’m like expired meat - past my prime.
I haven’t kept my growing out in check and have the expanded waistline (hips and @ss) to show for it. I have become that clichéd thing - the fat housewife - and I am not happy about it.
I really want to go on a cruise. Since I am the one responsible for planning our family vacations, you might wonder why we haven’t gone on the much desired (by me) cruise yet. I don’t want to go on a cruise as a fat person. I want to wear those cute outfits and swimwear without scarring the crew and other passengers for life.
So, I’m making a bet with myself. Lose the weight - get the cruise. This is the beginning of the end for Fat Me. It’s all out war and I’m going down!
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