What.The.Hell?!?!
Tonight April and I were watching Ugly Betty when a bizzare Wife Swap promo caught our eye…
Freak is the right word! I was freaked by this bald, tatooed woman doing a pole-dance and made an “Ewww” face toward April.
Remember your parents asking you, while you were making a nasty face, what would you do if your face froze that way?
Until today, I always believed this was an old “oldish” wives tale and not a real phenomenon.
After looking at April (and seeing a similar expression on her face), I tried to stop. That’s when I noticed my face was still making the “Ewww” face. That’s right - my face was contorted even though I had technically uncontorted it. In fact, it was frozen in this horrible grimace:
I had gotten a cramp in my face. My. Face.
I am an expert on Charlie horses in my calves or cramps in my foot. You know the ones where you go from no pain and full mobility to excruciating agony in a matter of seconds? Basically, you start screaming “ow ow ow” while jumping up and grabbing your leg or foot, then start jumping around until the cramp gives up and lets you have your leg or foot back. How do you jump around on your face? Um, you don’t.
Listen to the voice of experience: improper contortion of one’s face can be a very serious matter. Here’s some advice in case you are ever afflicted with a similar spasmodic distortion of the face:
- Do not attempt to “walk it off” - walking has no effect on face cramps.
- Do not try banging your face against the floor - It works well for feet and leg cramps but will probably lead to a broken nose, then you’ll have face cramps and a broken nose!
- Do not try a heating pad - again, works well for legs but over your face? Not good.
When my face broke, I resorted to rubbing and pulling at the cramped spot while mumbling “What the hell - my face is freakin frozen!” That seemed to work after a minute or two but not fast enough to keep April from exclaiming “Your face is froze!” and laughing her butt off.
Afterwards, I looked up “face cramps” in the Medical Encyclopedia online. The first reference to facial cramps was for Parkinson’s disease. Steve assures me that I don’t have Parkinson’s disease.
The second reference said “The main symptom of a muscle cramp or spasm is pain in the muscle. The muscle itself is tender to the touch. In most cases a person is unable to continue using the affected muscle due to the pain.” How do you stop using your face!?!
It also mentioned theories that a potassium deficiency was a likely cause of frequent muscle cramps. I vaguely remember my mother telling me to eat more bananas when I would have charlie horses as a kid. “Bananas have lots of potassium,” she’d say. I thought that was an old “oldish” wives tale too - but apparently not.
My face is still a little tender and yet I keep making that face - checking to see if my face is going to freeze again.
Listen to your mama - she wasn’t lying when she told you, “Your face is gonna freeze that way.” Be careful - or you could end up with your face frozen into an ugly mug that no amount of bananas will correct!
edited@11:40am Changed old to oldish to more accurately reflect my own mother at the time per my father (see comments)
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