I thought the whole point of the feminist movement was for women to have options - you know, giving them the right to choose how they want to live their lives with all of the opportunities and rights available to men. Supporting other women’s choices is the very essence of feminism, at least as I define it.
I have an innate belief that women and men are equal – equally smart, equally talented, equally entitled to do whatever they want to do with their lives. I am not a radical feminist or a man-hater and I’m coming to believe that men are not the primary force keeping women down these days. There are some misogynistic bastards out there I’m not denying that; I could rant for hours on how sexism is still alive and well. But I think women are their own worst enemies right now.
Here’s a bizarre result of the female wars for you: A woman decides for herself that she wants to stay home and take care of the house and children and she is reviled and hated by working women. If she decides not to stay home and goes out into the workforce, she’s equally reviled by women who’ve made other choices.
Women are constantly sabotaging other women’s attempt to make the life choices they truly want. Somehow we’ve come to believe that if a woman makes choices that are different from our own and she is perceived as successful or even competent, it takes something away from us or casts our own choices in a bad light. Every choice another woman makes becomes a value judgment on our own choices. You see it all the time… the career vs family debate, stay-at-home-moms vs working mothers, breast vs bottle. It goes on and on. We can’t move ahead, not because the men are holding us back but because we’re too busy cat fighting amongst ourselves over what our “proper†role is. My god, there are more of us than them. If we could stop tearing each other down, we could take over the world!
I’ve made a few jokes and sarcastic remarks on this site about being a stay at home wife and mother, mostly because I’m having difficulty adjusting to my new role. It’s ok for me to make those remarks about myself after all, I’m the one who made the decision to quit my job and stay home. But for other people to judge my decision without having lived in my shoes while the decision was being made is ridiculous.
It seems like women, from the cradle, are in a constant struggle with each other to look prettier, land better boyfriends and husbands, be more popular with school mates or co-workers, be better mothers with smarter better behaved children. We judge other women harshly primarily, I believe, because we think it will make us look better by comparison. In doing so we have created a situation where no woman can be totally happy with the choices she makes because some other woman will be there to tell her just how screwed up her choices are.
Think I’m joking? Tell me you haven’t heard other women say these things before – maybe you even think them yourself…
Girl Child: Not the first choice for a first child. “I really want to have a boy first. That’s the best order…big brother, little sister.†Acceptable if not born in the coveted 1st child spot. If girl children are produced, subsequent attempts to produce the boy child will most likely be made until the family reaches it’s maximum size because there is always a concern about “continuing†the family name. Girl children are more likely to be taught to do household chores and care for younger siblings than boy children are – not by their fathers but by their mothers.
Single Gal: An acceptable role through the late 20’s. The single gal has it all…an education, girl friends, a lively social life. But really she’s just marking time before settling down. After reaching her 30’s however the single gal suddenly becomes an object of concern for her married girlfriends and female relatives. They query her on why she is still single. “When are you going to settle down, find a nice guy and have a family?†Perhaps they secretly wonder if she is a lesbian or a man-hater. The further into her 30’s she gets, the more she is to be pitied by other more “happily†settled women. At some point, she turns into the dreaded femi-nazi – a woman who remains single because of her supposed radical feminist views and lesbian leanings and of course, because no man wants her. She becomes the new version of a spinster…the career woman.
Career Woman: A woman to be pitied. She has turned her career into her entire life. These women usually choose economic independence and professional fulfillment over marriage and child-bearing. They work their way up the corporate ladder through any means possible (if you know what I mean). They are selfish but someday down the road they will bump their heads on the glass ceiling and realize that the cost has been dreadful – leaving them lonely and unfulfilled. If they do marry, they will remain childless, living their selfish and hedonistic lifestyle to the bitter end.
Housewife: Mindless drones to their husbands who are the only provider of money to the household and thus hold all the power. She lives the good life only because her husband is successful. She spends her day doing housework, watching soaps and eating bonbons while she relaxes on the couch. She harbors feelings of inadequacy, and secretly wants to have a career especially since her husband hardly spends any time with her at home. Who can blame him? She is as boring as she is unfulfilled.
Stay-At-Home-Mom: A sad woman who is trapped on a hamster wheel of endless running and running and running. Day after day, she opens her eyes to begin another day that is an exact copy of the day before. Her life revolves around her children and, in fact, her own existence is defined by it, having no other purpose in life other than picking up the children from school to shuttle them to an after school activity or sports program and cleaning up their messes. Marginally better than the housewife since she has fulfilled her duty to procreate.
Working Mother: Combines the worst of both the SAHM and the Career Woman. Has been brainwashed into believing she can “have it all†without realizing that she has been duped into taking on the role of breadwinner, housewife, and mother without any appreciable rise in her worth to her mate. Erroneously believes that she can do it all while her household, marriage, children and her own health and happiness deteriorate.
Empty Nester: A woman who’s life no longer has any meaning or worth because her children have all become adults and left home to lead their own lives. The children’s departure forces her to face the fact that she is left with a spouse she never really knew because she was caught up in the raising of the children and now she is forced to get to know him even though she really doesn’t like him very much, after all who wants to die alone but her chances of attracting a new mate at this late stage are lower than getting struck by lightening.
Read a magazine, do a Google search or watch a news program - you’ll see what I’m talking about. It’s everywhere. The other day I wanted to make a flippant little comment about becoming a soccer mom and couldn’t believe the some of the vitriolic commentary out there about these “useless blights on society.” The worst comments weren’t made by men – it’s women hating on women.
What crazy mixed message are we sending to our young women? I have 5 daughters. It’s looking unlikely that they will they be able to state “I want to …†without being judged harshly. No matter what they choose it’s sure to be wrong. And what about my son? What in the world is his attitude toward women supposed to be when he hears this kind of thing from women themselves? It’s time for women to clean up their own sexism. Women, who are happy and secure with their life decisions, shouldn’t be wasting time being critical of others.
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