Engleberts in Missouri [miz-er-ree]

Since I can track how long it’s been since I’ve had my girly-bits checked by the age of my youngest child and she just turned 11, I thought it just might be time for me to make that a priority. In the course of that exam, my doctor told me that since I’m 44 it would also be a really good idea to get some photos taken of The Girls.

So, a couple weeks ago I went in for the “photo session” and left feeling pretty good. No one had rushed back into the room screaming “your Girls are riddled with cancer!” or anything. So I figured it was all good, just like I knew it would be. That was on a Monday.

On that Thursday, I got a call from my doctor that there was “a mass” that needed to be checked out further and by the way, we’ve already scheduled you for a followup on Monday.

That’s when I started to freak out a little. Or maybe a lot. Googling “mass” “breast cancer” “spot compression” “breast ultrasound” and every other term my doctor had used like a crazy woman. And basically started doing what I always do… working out in my head every possible scenario that could possibly evolve - like some kind of life flowchart. If this happens, then I’ll do this, otherwise I’ll do this. On and on. It’s what I do best.

It turns out that I’m not going to die anytime soon. My follow-up showed that the mass is “probably benign” and while I have to go back in 6 months to see if it has grown, it’s a very good outcome. But because I’m a worrier, I am anxiously waiting for that next appointment in August.

My husband, not a worrier, doesn’t quite get why I am still thinking about it so much. Night before last, as we were going to sleep, I told him that I had another bad dream where it turned out that I did have cancer and had only a short time left to live. In the dream, I started making out a list of all the things that I wanted to do before I died.

Things I remember being on the list:
1) Make sure the attic is sorted and tidy
2) Reorganize the basement
3) Clean the house really well
4) Make a list of all of our accounts and passwords just in case Steve needs it
5) Finish all of the crafting projects that people have asked me for that are half done

So, I was telling Steve about how pitiful my list was and how it made me a little sad that I didn’t have anything on the list like traveling or making sure I had done all the things on my wishlist. Then I asked him what would be on his “bucket list”.

And as we were laying in the dark snuggling he said “well I can tell you that cleaning the house would not be on my list. Finishing all the projects on my to do list wouldn’t be there either. At the top of my list would be making sure that, for how ever many days I had left, you knew every day without a doubt just how much I love you.”