Engleberts in Missouri [miz-er-ree]

Lindsay at Suburban Turmoil is one of my favorite bloggers. Her posts are hilarious and she really knows how to get a throw down started (have you seen her Pissed List - my favorite? When the Public Library Patrons got pissed - who knew people could get so fired up over late library materials?!!).

Anyway, yesterday she wrote an open letter to her family that had me laughing until there were tears in my eyes. April was sitting on the couch giving me strange looks every time I burst out laughing. I tried to share with her “what is so funny?” but she didn’t think it was as hilarious as I did for some reason. (he he)

It wasn’t just the post that had me cracked up either, it was the comments too. There are apparently a lot of people out there who could have penned that letter about their own families. That large number would definitely include me.

My 2 favorite comments…

• My husband won’t put dishes in the dishwasher because he claims he “can’t tell if it’s full of clean or dirty dishes.” Because looking at the plates in there is apparently a mensa level activity. So I started collecting his dirty dishes from around the house and putting them on his side of the bed, because I just wasn’t sure if he was done with them or not.-Overflowing Brain
  Why did I never think of this! This could be applied to children with equal effectiveness I’m sure.

• My oldest son came home one day to find his room stripped of everything and in the trash…he didn’t hide chicken in his dresser after that-Punxxi
  I think Punxxi must be my mother because her son is definitely my brother John!

Go on over and read it - especially if you are the “cleaner” person at your house.

Trust me - Fun-Nee

A disaster of biblical proportions is looming at our house. Even as I type, the pile of dirty laundry in my laundry room is growing. That’s because our washer is broken.

I’m not sure exactly how long it’s been broken but apparently, after 10 years of hard work, our washer is no longer agitated enough to clean clothes.
It fills. It makes agitate-ty noises. It drains and spins. But actual washing is not taking place.

I only noticed that it wasn’t working properly by accident. Normally, I just turn it on, throw in the detergent and clothes and let it do it’s thing. I’m quick. Years and years of doing mountains of laundry each week means I’m somewhat like those Nascar tire changers. No time for the agitator to start - I’ve got that baby loaded and ready to go before it even finishes filling with water.

There’s usually no reason to pop open the lid and check - I pack it so full that adding a last minute item isn’t going to happen. Occasionally, when it sounds like one of the kids is beating on the washer with multiple hammers, I have to go and redistribute the clothes. That’s during the spin cycle though.

I mean really. How often do you watch to make sure the agitator is actually agitating? Yeah. Me too.

Luckily, Steve was able to determine that the cause of the malfunction was a relatively cheap and easily replaced part for which the shipping costs exceeded the part cost. It should be here in a few days. Damn that man is handy!

Meanwhile, I refuse to pack up Mt. Washmore and take it to the laundromat. I just. can’t. do. it. I would rather be beaten than do that!

On another appliance front… never remove and dispose of the water filter in your refrigerator before you have a replacement filter that actually fits. You will not be able to get water from the door (oh horrors!) and your ice supply will cease (aaahhhh!).

Sometimes I think everyone wonders what I do all day long. Home alone. Without children.

Mostly I lay on the couch, eating bonbons, watching soaps and surfing the internet.

Occasionally I get off my lazy rump and clean a dish or two. Amazingly, sometimes I even sweep a floor or mop a little.

Lately I’m filling my time with home improvement projects. Like my front entry.

I repainted the walls, spruced up the wood flooring, got a pretty rug, added some art work and created a couple floral arrangements and even finally got this little storage cabinet painted and in place. I think it looks much more homey and welcoming now.

I’ve also been reorganizing cabinets and closets.

Yesterday I dug out Violet’s room. She does an ok job of keeping it picked up but every month or two I go in there and do a really deep clean. Violet loves to do craft projects and is constantly “publishing” a variety of newspapers, magazines and whatnot. This results in the accumulation of a lot of paper scraps. So vacuuming behind the furniture and getting all the scraps out from under her bed, dressers and side tables is a must.

I’m really happy with her closet. I had Steve install a couple closet organizers a few years ago. I like that the shelves are infinitely repositionable since Violet’s storage needs are always changing depending on what toys and crafty things she’s playing with the most these days. Her needs are changing though, so yesterday I decided to add a shoe organizer to the mix. Unfortunately, the original closet organizers didn’t want to play nicely with the new brand of closet organizer and the shoe cubby was about 1/2 inch too wide to fit correctly. I’m thrilled to tell you that I was able to use A POWER SAW (!!) to shorten the cubby just the right amount to fit into the organizer.

Today I’m going to start stripping the wallpaper off my kitchen walls. It’s horrible! Once that’s gone we can move forward with the remodel of the kitchen. More counter space and cabinets would be a dream come true.

My What’s cooking at Mom’s? thingy has taken on a new look. Now it’s an actual side blog. I haven’t finished moving the old stuff (primarily the recipes) to the new format yet but I’m working on it.

It’s kind of bizarre that the menu around here has perked up lately since I’m on a very restricted calorie diet. It’s called Don’t-even-think-about-eating-anything-cause-your-body-can-live-off-your-ass-for-months. You might think that a permanent state of hunger would leave me less than interested in cooking dinner every night and you would be absolutely right. But as hard as I’ve tried to convince them, the other members of the house just won’t give up their food. Selfish.

Instead of cooking less, the opposite seems to be occurring and I’ve been cooking a lot lately. Trying new recipes. Baking desserts. It’s kind of masochistic when I think about it. Constantly surrounding myself with yummy foods and sweets that I don’t get to eat. I never really thought I was the type to find pleasure or gratification in self-denial and deprivation although motherhood and martyrdom do go hand in hand come to think of it. Hmmm.

To be accurate, I’ve mostly been supervising the cooking around here. Violet has taken an interest in helping in the kitchen (she even likes to peel potatoes!!!) and has been assembling dinner every night with my assistance. Although she would prefer that every night’s dinner be Sbarro’s pizza, she likes all the chopping and mixing involved in cooking and baking. I think it makes her feel grown up to use the appliances. I even let her cut things with a knife (a big sharp knife too!). I warned you I was a dangerous parent!

Last night she made the stuffed manicotti pretty much by herself. She struggled a little with the actual stuffing of the shells but she learned a valuable lesson about opposite and equal reactions to pressure and will probably keep the pastry bag twisted closed from now on.

Since I don’t seem to have a complete set of measuring cups or measuring spoons anymore, the measuring (and multiplying or dividing) ingredients is great for her math skills too especially the fractions. Sometimes the measuring gets quite interesting.

I need to make her a Violet-sized apron. I have several chef’s aprons but they are too large for her. We’re constantly having to knot up the neck strap which is annoying. I like the way the apron’s largeness completely surrounds her body though. She likes wiping her hands on her stomach and sides so protecting her clothing during the cooking process is a must. Maybe I’ll make her one of those smock-type aprons.

Anyway, now that I’m making dinner properly like a good little housewife, check out the food blog. Maybe you’ll find something tasty to make for dinner at your house.

What I’m thinking today…

Where do those cobwebby things that cling to your ceiling and upper wall come from?

Who’s the brainiac that invented popcorn ceilings? Ok - yeah they’re kinda pretty, but impossible to dust!

Where do all those marks on the wall come from - I’ve asked around and no one in this house is responsible for making them. Maybe we should watch our guests a little bit closer.

Why do the most effective cleaners smell the worst?

Why are there abandoned dirty socks rolled up into balls and distributed around my living room? Are they being used as toys? Is there a lack of available laundry baskets? Note to self: buy more balls and baskets.

Where does all this dust come from? Pounds of it. Maybe I should be changing the air filter more often…hmmmm.

Does no one in this house know where the garbage can is?!

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*Bender, Futurama Jurassic Bark