Engleberts in Missouri [miz-er-ree]

I have watched every episode of The Sopranos faithfully. I don’t know exactly why the show became one of my favorites but it did. And, once you’re into this family, there’s no getting out.

At times it was a gruesome show but you couldn’t help but like Tony even though you knew he was a sociopathic killer. Part of my fascination with the show was the juxtaposition of Tony’s two families. A home life where everything seemed fairly normal and a life of crime where nothing is what you would think of as normal. How do you go from chit-chatting about who’s coming for Sunday dinner to breaking a guy’s legs to make a point? Tony and his crew could do it without batting an eye.

No matter what horrific things Tony and his crew did, the strong bonds between the characters kept you from despising them entirely. Love, friendship, family ties, a mutual respect for “this thing of ours”. They were kind of like a weird uncle you might have. Sure they’ve got lame outfits, slicked back old-fashioned hairdos, goofy jokes, and chauvinistic attitudes, but eh, what can you do, they’re family.

The show sucked you in to it’s dark side almost without you even knowing it. There were so many times I found myself saying to Steve “they need to off that guy” or “what else could he do (s)he was a rat” over the years we’ve watched. Even last night, I was rooting for Tony’s crew to find and eliminate Phil Leotardo in the hopes that doing so would save Tony and the guys.

At first, I thought something had happened to the cable - we’d been having severe thunderstorms all day. Then I was irritated - “WTH! That’s the end?!?” Then, after I thought about it for a while, it was perfect. Every other ending would have been so lame and played out. Tony and the family all get killed? Would have hated it. Happy family at the diner? This ain’t no Gilmore Girls. It was kind of like what Bobby said to Tony in the first episode of this season. When the end comes, you never see it. It’s just fade to black.

The Real Wedding Crashers premieres tonight on NBC. This is a reality show where a bride and groom agree to have their wedding crashed (more like trashed) by a team of “comedians”. The groom is “arrested” on the night before his wedding to the horror of the Best Man, the Maid of Honor believes she caused one of the bridesmaids to be turned orange in a spray tanning hoax, disasters with the venue and vehicles are staged, the minister takes a phone call in the middle of the vows, a friend is tricked into thinking they ruined the wedding dress, the cake gets trashed, nothing is sacred. Parents are upset; Guests horrified. Oh but don’t worry, the bride and groom are in on it so that makes it all ok.

I can’t believe anyone would want to make such a mockery of their wedding. Don’t most brides want their day to be fairy-tale perfect? I can vividly remember stress levels rising in the days leading up to and including Steph’s wedding day and all of the things that went wrong unintentionally. And even though we all look back now and laugh, I can’t imagine if it had all been done on purpose as a prank.

Do you remember these fun moments?

Friday - The day before the wedding

• Violet gets violently ill on the way out the door Friday morning for the Bridal party’s manicures. Stephanie is left stranded without half the wedding party and more importantly the money for $20 a pop manicures.
• Everyone (20 people) arrives at Cheddars for a luncheon at noon. Making the reservation has apparently been overlooked and the place is packed!
• A relaxing couple of hours at the hotel pool turns into disaster when Steph hits her engagement ring on the concrete side of the pool and breaks the mounting on her ring. Tears and hysteria on the part of the Bride but a complete meltdown was avoided by a wonderful local jeweler who promised to have the ring repaired before the ceremony the next day.
• The wedding rehearsal runs really long leaving a large group of starving people to make their way to the rehearsal BBQ. Thankfully Eric’s parents were able to keep the meat and other foods from becoming shoe leather due to overcooking. However, the meal was consumed in darkness as no one expected to need lights under the canopies.
• On the way to the rehearsal dinner Violet’s illness returns. She spews all over everyone in our van. An emergency stop at a convenience store restroom to hose everyone down and attempt to clean out the van followed by a stop at the local Wal-Mart to buy new clothes for the van’s occupants further delayed the rehearsal dinner festivities.

Saturday - Wedding Day

• Wedding guests - along with everyone else in the Sheraton Hawthorne Park hotel - are woken up at o’-dark-thirty to the sounds of a fire alarm and loudspeaker announcement to “Please evacuate the building”. Some people were smarter than others and arrived in the parking lot modestly covered by whatever clothing they could grab. Others, like the Boy, arrived in the parking lot in their boxer shorts. Amber was thoughtful enough to grab her flute and music, while I stood in the dark looking up at Steph’s wedding gown hanging in the window hoping that the place didn’t burn down.
• Early morning on the wedding day, Steve and the Boy return to Joplin (a 2+ hour round trip) to pick up the flowers - praying that the flower order was able to be completed. The flowers couldn’t be delivered because they had only been ordered 4 days before the ceremony due to the person who was supposed to be taking care of that detail backing out at the last minute.
• “In town” guests not staying at the hotel for the wedding decide to open a Parking Lot bar to pass the time between the ceremony and the reception. Result: some really drunk wedding guests. Will anyone ever forget “Armani Man” aka “Poopy pants” who was so drunk he lost control of all his bodily functions?
• Unexpected guests at the reception create a tizzy when they sit in seats reserved for other reception guests. Things are eventually smoothed over - let me just say that if you don’t RSVP don’t be surprised when you don’t have a seat and don’t complain about where the extra table is placed.
• The bakery delivers the cake to the wrong hotel. Due to the horrible July heat, cake collapses on the trip from the wrong hotel to the right hotel. Bakery says “sorry - nothing we can do” and there is no cake just moments before the reception starts. Luckily, a dude teaching a seminar being held in one of the hotel’s other reception rooms overhears our dilemma and comes to the rescue with a suggestion to call a local restaurant, Ryan’s Steakhouse, who go out of their way to decorate and deliver a cake in record time.
• Guests mistake the hor’s deorves bar for a buffet dinner. Mini cordon bleu’s and other appetizers disappear within minutes. Steve nearly has a coronary trying to explain to the caterer’s that he doesn’t care how many hor’s deorves they’ve already put out - put out some more! Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know it’ll be extra (that was a familiar refrain).
• The speeches had been made and the DJ was playing music to dine by when there was a horrific screech and boom. The DJ comes over to tell us that the amp has blown and he won’t be able to play music for the dancing portion of the evening. At that point, all I could do was laugh hysterically. Turns out that was a prank pulled at the suggestion of my father (my father!).

I think we could have taped Steph’s wedding weekend and made a bundle turning it into “Reality Show” entertainment. At least nothing went wrong on Sunday at the brunch and everyone was able to catch their flights home without delay. I can’t remember anything going wrong at John’s or Laura’s weddings last summer but they may have a different version of events. What are your favorite wedding disaster stories/memories?

When the kids were little I resigned myself to the repetitiveness that is kid’s tv. After all, when it comes to preschoolers that is one of the ways they learn best. Still, it drove me crazy. It’s incredibly annoying for an adult to watch shows like Barney or the Teletubbies mostly because of those aggravatingly repetitive songs that get stuck in your head - arghhhh the songs!

Littles don’t just like to watch repetitive TV shows, they also like to watch the same movie over and over again until the thing is practically worn out. I listened to Shrek 6 times in a row while driving to Florida one winter and never saw a single scene. Finally, I had to threatened violence to myself if a different video selection wasn’t made. I’ve never been one of those people who like to watch movies over and over. You’d never hear me gushing to Entertainment Tonight “I’ve seen it 40 times and can’t wait to see it again!” about any film.

You would think that the days of repetitive viewing are over at this house since our youngest is about to be 9 years old. But, you’d be wrong.

To this day, when one of the kids finds a show they really like, we’re guaranteed to see it many, many more times before the thrill wears off. Musicals are particular favorites. We must have watched Pirates of Penzance more than a dozen times before moving on to Oliver! Don’t even think of passing up The Phantom of the Opera when surfing channels - if April or Violet sees it on the guide they’re liable to have a coronary if you pass it by.

Currently we are on the 3rd or 4th viewing of The Producers. Fifth-child-who-would-rather-not-be-named-on-this-website-again recorded it on the TiVo, so there is no doubt that there will be several more viewings. A cute show but sure to be an incredible annoyance once they have all learned the words to Springtime for Hitler and can sing along.